三月一捷报

大家好呀。光阴似箭，2021年已过四分之一了呀。今天我来和大家唠叨家常。

我过了不算特别充实，但也算愉快的三个月。鉴于我某些工作的保密性质不便和大家细说，也因为很多鸡毛蒜皮的事无需一一畅谈，所以我把一月份到三月份的“大事件”集结成一张拼贴图，和大家共享之。

老王卖瓜，自卖自夸；我真心觉得这张拼贴图做得很不错呀。其中包含了我追过的韩剧、看过的动漫、玩过的游戏、追踪的油管健身教练、网课和实体课的合照，还有我正在参与的工作。

前两天和学生（还有他们的兄弟和父母）一起去爬山看水，可是没有收录在拼贴图里，特此附上一张照片做纪念。远足一时爽，事后挺尸一天一晚。

年初我下定决心，今年要多阅读益智的书籍，第一本要看完的书就是班纳吉和迪弗洛的《贫穷的本质》。看了大半本后，我就懒散了，至今距离看完只差亿点点的动力。倒是耽美小说看了好几十本，其中也不乏一两本非常感动我心的作品。以后要是哪天灵感来了，我再写文和大家分享。

说到感动我心，二月的时候我听了一场《以基督为基石抚育子女》(Christian Parenting) 的线上讲座，讲师以一首现代诗做结尾，该诗就非常合我意。诗名为《论孩子》，亦被译为《你的孩子其实不是你的孩子》，由黎巴嫩裔美国诗人纪伯伦所写。我贴出英文版和中文版，大家不妨瞅瞅。

译文：（原译文网址：https://kknews.cc/essay/r68a9mx.html）

你的孩子，其实不是你的孩子，
他们是生命对于自身渴望而诞生的孩子。
他们通过你来到这世界，
却非因你而来，
他们在你身边，却并不属于你。

你可以给予他们的是你的爱，
却不是你的想法，
因为他们自己有自己的思想。
你可以庇护的是他们的身体，
却不是他们的灵魂，
因为他们的灵魂属于明天，
属于你做梦也无法达到的明天。
你可以拼尽全力，变得象他们一样，
却不要让他们变得和你一样，
因为生命不会后退，也不在过去停留。

你是弓，儿女是从你那里射出的箭。
弓箭手望着未来之路上的箭靶，
他用尽力气将你拉开，
使他的箭射得又快又远。
怀着快乐的心情，
在弓箭手的手里弯曲吧，
因为他爱一路飞翔的箭，
也爱无比稳定的弓。

已为人父母的，你认同吗？还没当父母的，你了解吗？不想当父母的，你共鸣吗？

爱的结晶没有，劳动的结晶倒是赶紧给老娘滚出来！不要再延期了！

以上。

Marking Season

Here comes another serious, long rant that nobody asks for. Why? It's because I simply don't think I can continue on with my work until I have vented it out. Why on FB you ask? Well, let's just say that I do enjoy the recognition and attention once in a while.

Marking season. Marking season always got me. It often makes me question my worth. I often spiral into a deep pit of self-loathing whenever I grade my students' papers. There are two reasons for it:

Firstly, I question my own competency as a mentor whenever my students obediently apply the structure / knowledge I taught in answering their papers but are unable to get a decent score.

 
In 2019, I was tasked with teaching novel analysis (KBSM SPM Paper 2 Question 33) To help my students with writing an analysis effectively, I read, compared, and distilled key points from various materials. Then, in the exam, my students confidently applied what I have taught in their writing, with the hope that they could score at least a B in that section. When I went for mark review meeting and showed my students' scripts to the senior teachers, they said what my students wrote was simply not enough. (I'll not go into the details here.) The highest grade my students could get was a C. I cried while marking 100+ scripts. When I returned the scripts to the students, I was met with many disappointed gazes and I apologized to all of them. Thankfully, the children were very forgiving and in the end, all of us encouraged each other to do better next time. (Side note: When Christ encouraged Christians to adopt a child-like faith, I personally think that on top of trusting God unconditionally, it also means to be as forgiving as the children are.)

Secondly, I feel extremely anguish whenever I notice that I have marked something wrongly. This is especially the case in situations like year-end assessment, where the students are only given a grade rather than having the luxury to check their papers and inform the teacher of any marking errors.

 
Let's say if I'm marking my fifth paper and I notice a certain ambiguity, I'll check the first four papers immediately to make sure I've not marked them wrongly. If I don't go through the papers right there and then, I'll keep thinking about it. The little devil in my mind will blow trumpet while twerking in a grass skirt, mocking my incompetency. You can imagine how messy things are when I'm marking more than 300 papers. Every time before a day of marking begins, usually teachers will set their goal and say, "my target is marking x number of papers today." For me, my goal is usually "my target is marking x number of papers today before I frantically go through every single paper again."

 
So, if marking season torments me such, why do I still keep at it?

 
Well, in reference to the first problem I faced, if I don't keep attending various kinds of mark review meetings and learn from the experts, how am I supposed to teach better? I can always ask for pointers from other senior teachers, but in my opinion, the most direct way to master something is always to 'infiltrate' the system and understand how it works from the insider perspective.

 
As for that little perfectionist devil in my mind, may God calm my nerves and give me the strength to resist its mocking. All in all, a job is well done when it is done by someone who is good at it, but a job is best done by someone who is willing.

(Extracted from my Facebook post, written on March 13.)

Teaching Lower Forms

I'm high on caffeine now so let me babble a little.

For some reason, whenever I tell someone that I am a teacher, they always assume that I'm a primary school teacher. Is it because I look too amiable? (If so, thanks!) Or is it because I don't look "mature/experienced" enough to be teaching teens?

 
Those who know me will know that I actually have very little to zero tolerance/ affection towards toddlers and young children. In fact, I'm so relieved that my school doesn't give me any lower form classes this year! I'm so done with listening to stuff such as "Teacher, do we write this in pen or pencil?" or "Teacher, my friend took my pen!"

 
However, upon reflection, I also know for a fact that one of the many reasons why I hate teaching lower form classes is because I simply don't know how to expose/educate the kids on life. And it frustrates me. Let me give you a concrete example.

Last year, I was tasked with teaching a Form 1 "back class". The kids were definitely rowdier and slower learners, but they were sweet in nature. One day, the boys giggled while I was teaching and later when asked, the girls claimed that the boys were reading pornographic magazine. I questioned the boys and they showed me the pictures they were ogling at. It was pictures of girls in very healthy tank tops and knee-length shorts.

My first internal reaction was "Where's the porn? Let me grab my magnifying glass and maybe I will find it." My second internal reaction was "Should I show these kids what real porn looks like? Sigh."

After a long monologue, I asked them, "What do you feel when you look at these pictures?" They simply giggled, shrugged, and said, "Teacher, these pictures are not good."

There were so many things I wanted to tell the kids.
"Boys, it doesn't matter how the women are dressed. It has something to do with how you perceive them."
"Boys, it's normal for teens to show interest in the opposite sex. You don't have to sweep these feelings under the rug."
"Girls, why do you assume that the boys are reading porn? Is it because of their lewd gazes? Or is it because you think these pictures are seductive? If it's the latter, what do you actually think of girls who dress differently than you? "

In the end, I said nothing and just passed the case to their class teacher, who was a male, with a slim hope that the teacher would have a bro talk with these boys.

To be honest, I often "feel too deep" too fast. This trait of mine bring little benefits to both me and my students. I can tell them what I think/know for hours, but it doesn't matter if the knowledge/wisdom doesn't "hit the spot."

(Extracted from my Facebook post, written on March 5.)