Winter is coming

This semester has been tough and rough. I know that if I just get myself together and push through everything, I can manage the workload, and probably do so much more. But I couldn't.

I am about to turn 22 years old and I am lost.

I am a senior in college now and everyone has been asking me what is my big plan after graduation.
Applying to graduate school? Taking a gap year? Going into industries or companies?
To be honest, I don't know.
So every time when someone ask me this question, I come up with new answers, just to make him/her shut up.
Very soon, I realized that I lied too much, too easily and now I has lost sight of the truth about my future plan.

I broke up with my boyfriend and I have been telling everyone including myself that I am okay.
But to be honest, I feel angry.
I am angry that I have to be the "mean girl" that proposed the break up.
I am angry at him because he had been avoiding the problems in our relationship all this while and did not seem to make any effort to improve the situation nor relieve my worries.
I am angry at God because he did not answer my prayers.
I am angry at myself for getting angry at God and stopped connecting with Him even though I initially made the decision partly because I want to please Him.

On one hand I want to be patient and remain single until I figure out what God wants in my life; on the other hand I want God to send me a prince charming right now and let him swipe me off my feet.
I feel like I am back to 16 years old again and I do not enjoy the overly self-consciousness.

I am about to turn 22 years old and I am scared.

My parents give me almost 100% freedom in every decision-making and I have always try to uphold their trust in me by making the most rational and reasonable decisions.
But as the decisions that I need to make get bigger and heavier, a lot of times I secretly wish that someone wise will step into my life and make all the final call for me.

I am scared to go to classes because I hate seeing how my lecturers avoided my gaze for they were disappointed by my in class performance.
I am scared that one day in the future, I will wake up in dawn due to a nightmare and realizing that I have been sleeping beside a wrong man for years.
I am scared that one day in the future, I will cry in the toilet because I feel bad yelling at some children that I semi-willingly bear due to demands from in-laws.
I am scared that I can't financially support myself and my family after all these expensive education that I have been through.

Winter is coming and for the present, I am feeling cold, defeated, and negative.