Monday, September 30, 2024

Kimono Photoshoot

As mentioned in my previous post, doing a kimono photoshoot was the first thing on my bucket list during my recent Japan trip.

After our pre-wedding photoshoot in 2022, I have learned that Noel is actually very open to doing couple/group photoshoot. He is cooperative and not at all camera-shy. I believe the relatively hassle-free process we had during the pre-wedding photoshoot played a part in convincing Noel to do photoshoot again on other occasions. Therefore, I was determined to create a similar positive experience for us this time.


After researching a few shops online, I quickly decided on engaging the service of Kyoto Kimono Rental Yumeyakata Gojo Shop. In the end, we had a great time, and all the photos turned out lovely. Here are some reasons why I chose this shop and some details about what happened on the day. (Disclaimer: I am not sponsored to write this post.) 

1. The shop offers a wide range of services. Aside from kimono rental, the shop provides hairstyling, makeup, and photoshoot services. 

This was the most important factor I considered when looking for a suitable shop. Let's be real. I was not devoted enough to book outfits, hair stylist, makeup artist, and photographer separately. For me, it would be a logistical nightmare to coordinate everything.

Many shops I came across have an extensive selection of kimono, far larger than that of Yumeyakata Gojo. However, some of those shops don't offer makeup or photoshoot service, so I had to give them up. If you are looking to rent kimono with a specific style or pattern, you might want to research for more alternatives before committing.  


2. The information and the instructions provided on their website are comprehensive. 

Therefore, I didn't need to private message or email the shop to ask about prices, details, or services available. Since the website is user-friendly, reservation was a breeze. The website is also available in multiple languages.

3. The staff are friendly and can converse in basic English. On top of that, they replied to my email quickly. 

After I submitted my reservation request, they sent me a confirmation email (in English) within 24 hours, detailing the package details, the payment method, and what to expect on the day. I sent a follow-up email regarding a concern I had, and they replied to it swiftly as well. The photographer assigned to us can also converse in basic English, so we could pose under her instructions without any confusion. She was amazing!


4. The entire process was organized. 

As mentioned above, we already knew the tentative beforehand. On the day, when we entered the shop, the staff first confirmed our details and gave us designated bags to store our belongings. Then, we were immediately guided to the dressing area where we could pick our kimono, get dressed, and choose our handbags. (The men and the ladies had separate dressing areas.) Next, the ladies were shown to the studio where we got our hair and makeup done. After that, we met up with our photographer, went to the spot agreed upon in a taxi, and started shooting. 

Since we signed up for a mini photoshoot, the shooting only lasted for an hour. After it ended, we could technically explore Kyoto in the kimono until 5.30 pm. However, we went back to change immediately because it was simply way too hot to be strolling around in the outfits.

I had watched an Instagram reel where an influencer discourages tourists from renting kimono from larger establishments (not Yumeyakata Gojo in particular). She argues that larger shops function like factories, putting their customers through a production-line process that lacks personal touch. If you're looking to make small talk with the staff, or learn more about the fabric, pattern, and history of kimono while getting dressed, then Yumeyakata Gojo is indeed not the place for you.

On the other hand, efficiency was exactly what I was looking for. I was already beyond grateful that Arsyad, Janet, and Noel agreed to do this with me, so I was not going to risk putting us through any unnecessary stress of locating a secluded shop, spending hours on getting dressed, and walking around the entire day looking for the best photo spots.


5. The one-hour mini-photoshoot package was simply too enticing.

I wanted the experience, but I was unwilling to spend an entire day doing just one thing. Therefore, the one-hour photoshoot was perfect. In addition, the shop offers Gion as one of the shooting sites, and I was all for that. 

Gion is undoubtedly a great spot for some nice photos. However, the area is suffering from overtourism and has certain photography regulations imposed to help maintain the order. Instead of accidentally offending the locals while taking pictures around on our own, I believe it's better to just do our photoshoot there with a professional who has permit and knows where to go.

6. Last but not least, a big thank you to Arsyad and Janet for coming onboard!

It was a lot of fun doing a shoot with friends! Arsyad definitely did the right call in requesting for hakama. Both men looked so much more formal and assertive in hakama. 

Janet looked so beautiful in kimono! Since she chose a light-colored kimono with dainty floral pattern, the makeup artist did a great job in giving her an airy makeup that highlighted her fair skin. On the other hand, the makeup artist gave me a more mature makeup to go with my bright-colored kimono with busy floral pattern. Overall, I think we complemented each other quite well.

One thing worth noting is that I regretted not adding on hair and belt accessories for me and Janet! I didn't know why I rejected them when the staff offered them to me! We didn't go all the way to Japan and spend so much money on everything just to skimp on a few hundred yen of accessories. Sigh.

Anyhow, it's too late now. I will just comfort myself by saying that simplicity is the best.



Closing Thoughts

No offense, but I know if I left it up to Noel and myself to take pictures of each other or take wefies with a tripod and a timer, we would most likely have very few nice photos to commemorate the trip. Worse, we might be annoyed at each other. I would probably be dissatisfied with the photos Noel took, and he might be impatient with my request of retaking a shot again and again.

Some people might argue that we should improve our photography skills or buy better equipment to get the job done, but I prefer to let a professional do it for me. Aside from the advanced equipment, the biggest advantage of hiring a professional photographer is that they are good at getting us, laymen who are not particularly photogenic, to pose and capturing the moment. As customers, not only do we get great photos and a pleasant experience, but we can also contribute to the local economy.

In short, I am very happy with the service and the outcome this time. Thank you to everyone involved! So, what photoshoot should we do next? 

Saturday, September 28, 2024

A Lovely Japan Trip

After years of talking about it, Noel and I finally made it to Japan! Woohoo!


Expectation, Preparation, and The Outcome:


Weather

We knew since the planning stage we weren't getting the fall scenery for the week we were in Japan; however, we were expecting the weather to have cooled down a little. I was naively anticipating a temperature of around 20+ degree Celsius.
 
To our dismay, Japan's intense summer heat was far from over throughout our time there. We were constantly exhausted from the heat. On top of that, we were smelly, sweaty, and sticky all the time. I believe I irked a few locals during the train rides because of my relatively strong body odor. Sorry!

Clothes
Noel and I each bought a jacket for this trip, thinking that we might need it during the nights when we were out. In the end, I only used mine once during our overnight flight from Singapore to Tokyo, and Noel didn't even bother bringing his along for the trip after checking the weather forecast.

Money
Since April, Noel had been exchanging ringgit into yen bit by bit (around RM1000 at a time) on Wise app whenever the rate was favorable. Our conversion rate over the months averaged out around 33.18 yen per ringgit, which was actually lower than the rate at the time we were in Japan. Nevertheless, Noel and I enjoyed the process for the ease of mind of preparing early and the sense of anticipation of accumulating travel funds over the months.

Prior to the trip, I was contemplating on getting a coin pouch or a coin separator to organize all the Japanese coins efficiently while traveling. In the end, Noel printed one at home using his 3D printer, which was put into vigorous use during the trip and made our purchases much easier.


Connection
My phone doesn't support e-sim, so Noel rented a pocket wifi. We picked it up from Narita airport and mailed it back to the company by dropping it in the mail bin at Kansai airport. Pocket wifi was great because many devices could connect to it. However, it was slightly inconvenient when we wanted to be at different places separately. Noel's phone plan includes some complementary monthly data that he can use overseas, so that came in handy.

Companions
This was a double-date trip. Initially, I was rather worried that it might not go well because technically, Noel and I hadn't met Arsyad and Janet for more than five years since our fellowship program was over. So much could have changed since then. We might have developed some habits or point of views which rendered us incapable of getting along. Moreover, I know I can be quite insufferable at times based on my past experiences traveling with friends.
 
Thankfully, everything turned out great, at least so I believe. Arsyad and Janet showed us a lot of grace, especially on the first day when Noel arrived in Tokyo sick and on the second day when I lost my commuting passes. It even became a collab-reunion trip for Arsyad, Janet, and me at some point when Noel rested in the hotel or when he opted out from the hikes. Thanks to Janet's meticulous planning and navigating, Noel and I were practically the passenger prince and princess most of the time.

Thank you, Janet and Arsyad, for inviting us on this trip and actively present in every stage of the process. I made some great memories, and I hope you did, too!


Goshuin
Since 2014 when I first learned about goshuin, I had been talking about getting a goshuin book and collecting honorable red seals from all the Japanese shrines and temples when I finally had the chance to visit Japan.

In the end, I didn't get one. I didn't even know why. I suppose I romanticized the concept too much. In my head, getting a goshuin is supposed to be an intimate experience after I thoroughly tour through a temple/shrine and understand its history and architecture. In reality, the crowd, the heat, my limited stamina, the language barrier, and many other things got in the way.

Don't get me wrong. The sightseeing part was enjoyable, and the temples/shrines are definitely awe-inspiring. In fact, I still got three goshuin, from Senso-ji, Fushimi-Inari Taisha, and Namba Yasaka Jinja. However, I guess I'm collecting them more at a "leisure pace" now instead of turning the experience into a goal or a sport.

Souvenirs
Prior to the trip, I made a list of all the people, to whom I wanted to give a souvenir. Some of these people think of me whenever they go travel and, over the years, have gotten me many useful stuffs from their trips. Some of them helped Noel and me a lot, and we wouldn't have been able to go to Japan if not for their support in some way.

Below are the pictures of the things I got. To be honest, if I have the chance to visit Japan again, I plan to buy more. These are simply not enough to be given out to everyone on the list. I also want to buy a lot more snacks for myself.



Things that Went Wrong, and Reflection:


Flight

The red-eye flight from Singapore to Tokyo on a budget airline was terrible. We have aged after all. Our die-hard traveler spirits have weakened over the years, replaced by backache and the need for comfort. Noel and I agree that moving forward, we either travel during the day, or we will opt for more comfortable red-eye flights.

Sickness
To be honest, up until now, we have no idea why Noel was so terribly sick during his first two days in Japan. I think a number of factors contributed to it, among which dehydration, and the lack of nutritious food to prepare his body for the heat and all the transits. We actually bought travel insurance that we could utilize for a hospital visit if we wanted to, but Noel chose not to.

Moving forward, we will definitely buy travel insurance again whenever we travel, even if just for the ease of mind. If possible, I would like to cook more often at home when a trip is near, to "reset" our guts before a sudden change in environment.

Error 404
I lost both my Suica card (Japan transportation card similar to TnG card) and my 48-hour Tokyo Metro Pass on the second day right after I visited Senso-ji (my first spot in Japan aside from the hotel)! I had used my pass maybe two or three times before I lost it. And my Suica card was brand new with 1500 yen (plus a 500-yen deposit) in it. Feel free to imagine my despair and agony when I found out about it.

Thankfully (?) I got a green Suica card with my name and birth date registered instead of a red Welcome Suica card for visitors. So, I managed to request for a new card at Akihabara JR office and get back the 1500 yen in my card. Overall, I spent more than 100 ringgits unnecessarily because of my carelessness.

I was very grateful because Noel reacted gracefully to my mistake. Janet and Arsyad also patiently brought me to the JR offices to get my card replaced. Finally, a big thank you to the Akihabara JR staff for his excellent service. He was so helpful (and cute). I'm so sorry for being a nuisance and causing everyone trouble!

Itinerary:


Noel and I were in Japan for 8 days and 7 nights. The cities we visited were Tokyo, Kyoto, Nara, and Osaka. During the planning stage, we packed our daily schedule with as many attractions as possible. However, in the end, we only managed to visit two or three spots per day. 

We had severely underestimated how long it takes to explore an area. Our eyes were busy the entire time, bombarded with quaint historical buildings, buzzing city landscapes that are unfamiliar to us, and attractive goods in all kinds of shops. Since the places we went were mostly jam-packed with people, people-watching was an inevitable yet integral part of the experience, too. Even though we didn't get to go to many places, I thoroughly enjoyed my stay in Japan. 


12-Sep (Thursday):
At around 4.00 pm, Noel and I took a cab, and then the bus to enter Singapore from Perling, Johor. We met up with Noel's youngest brother for dinner before he sent us to Changi airport. Our 8-hour flight to Tokyo departed on time at 12.40 am.

13-Sep (Friday):
We reached Narita airport at 9.00 am. After a quick breakfast, we took an express train to Ueno station. There, we bought our Suica cards and collected our Tokyo Metro passes. We then took the metro to Mita station, where we met up with Janet and Arsyad. Noel was barely holding up at this point; so, after lunch, we just waited at the hotel lobby until we could check in at 3.00 pm. After checking in and taking a much-needed shower, Noel and I passed out until around 8.00 pm, forgoing all the sightseeing plans we had. We had convenience store food as dinner before going back to sleep again. 

14-Sep (Saturday):
I was fully rested and ready for some hardcore sightseeing! Four of us went to Senso-ji in the morning. We started with high spirits, but our enthusiasm soon withered under the scorching sun, and we left in a hurry. After that, Noel was deadly pale and had to go back to the hotel.


Janet, Arsyad, and I went to Tsukiji Outer Market for lunch. Then, we headed to Akihabara Electric Town to soak in the otaku culture. I was thrilled when I found Hololive and Nijisanji merchandises so readily available in many of the shops there. I was slightly frustrated that Noel was not there with me. We had been hyping each other up for months about getting vtuber merch and taking pictures at specific spots in Akihabara. I guess the universe is giving Noel and me the perfect excuse to make another trip to Tokyo again.

In the evening, Janet, Arsyad, and I went to Shinjuku to check out the famous 3D billboard, the Godzilla's head, and the dazzling neon signs at Kabukicho. After that, we went to Shibuya. We hung out at Miyashita Park before meeting up with Pit Yung, our mutual friend from TFM who is currently living in Tokyo. It was a nice catch-up. We ended the night by crossing the Shibuya Scramble Crossing together before waving Pit Yung goodbye.



15-Sep (Sunday):
We walked around Tokyo station briefly before boarding the shinkansen (bullet train) to Kyoto from Shinagawa station at 1.28 pm. 


One of the things I was looking forward to during the trip was eating ekiben (railway bento). I know railway bento is essentially an expensive boxed meal. However, there's just something romantic and luxurious about a variety of food, some soft some crunchy some juicy some fried, carefully arranged in a box, waiting to be unboxed and savored.

I was so immersed in eating my bento that I almost missed the view of Mount Fuji outside my train window. Janet had to remind me to look outside. I caught a glimpse of the mountain, and it was as gorgeous as it looks in postcards or Google images. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to take a picture of it. I guess some sceneries are best preserved in memory.

Noel miraculously healed the moment he set foot in Kyoto. After checking in to our hotel, we decided to take things easy. We had dinner at Saizeriya, one of the chain restaurants in our bucket list, and shopped in Kawaramachi shopping area.

16-Sep (Monday):
Another thing that I was dead set on experiencing during the trip was a photoshoot in Japanese traditional outfits. I am very thankful that Arsyad and Janet got on board with the idea. The photos came out amazing. I will write about this experience in detail in my next post.

After the photoshoot, we changed out of the traditional outfits and went to have lunch at Issen Yoshoku, as recommended by a staff in the kimono rental shop. Apparently, it is a very famous shop specialized in serving a variation of the traditional okonomiyaki. Instead of the food, the thing that stood out to us was the music played in the store. It was literally a song singing the name of the restaurant on repeat, and it was catchy!

After lunch, we started our sightseeing journey in Kyoto old town area. We explored the well-known Yasaka Jinja, the historical yet lively Sannenzaka and Ninenzaka, the colorful Yasaka Koshindo, and finally going uphill to Kiyomizu-dera. While I was sweating like a pig, many international and Japanese tourists were exploring all the areas mentioned above in kimono or yukata. I had utmost respect for their dedication.

Before we ended the night, we had Japanese curry at Coco Ichibanya, another chain restaurant we wanted to try.


17-Sep (Tuesday):
We were excited for our day trip to Nara! I was humming Shikanoko Nokonoko Koshitantan opening theme the entire time. 

After getting our kintetsu rail pass at Kyoto station, we set off for Nara. We were, of course, warmly welcomed by all the deers the moment we stepped out of Nara station. We visited Todai-ji before we had lunch at Gyukatsu Kyoto Katsugyu. Noel had the fried wagyu cutlet set while I had the normal fried beef cutlet set. I tried both cutlets, and I can responsibly say that the wagyu cutlet tasted way more tender and juicier than the normal one.

After lunch, we decided to go to Kasuga Taisha to check out the lanterns. The walk from Nara bus station, where the restaurant was located, to the shrine was dreadful, mainly because we didn't expect it to be so long. Noel stopped halfway. By the time Arsyad, Janet, and I reached the shrine, we were drenched in sweat and lost all interest in exploring the building in detail. We snapped a few photos and left.

We had our dinner at Matsuya. Given the very affordable price, the portion of the food was huge.



18-Sep (Wednesday):
For our last day in Kyoto, we were torn between going to Arashiyama or going to Fushimi-Inari Taisha. In the end, we went with the second option. 

The thousands of vermillion torii gates were mesmerizing. We were fortunate to witness workers repairing and painting a few torii gates along the way. The craftmanship involved in the process was respectable. Even though we were mentally prepared for a hike, we were still gasping for air while trying to reach the top of the mountain. We had to take plenty of breaks in between. During the last leg of uphill hike, my legs felt so heavy.

After descending the hill, we had lunch at Salmon Noodle, which was arguably the best meal we had in Japan this time. The ramen broth was extremely flavorful, and the shop was run by young, energetic, and good-looking staff. After lunch, we went to Nishiki Market for snacks and dessert. We concluded our stay in Kyoto with more shopping. 

For dinner, we had MOS Burger. September is the moon-viewing season, and many Japanese restaurants will have limited-time tsukimi menu. So, I had their limited time menchi katsu focaccia, and it was lovely.


19-Sep (Thursday):
We woke up bright and early to catch a train from Kyoto to Osaka. We departed quite early, hoping to avoid the morning rush hour. Alas, we failed, and we were on the train with our huge suitcases while Japanese salarymen and women went to work. I'm really sorry for the inconveniences caused. We will do better next time by either leaving after 9.00 am or paying more for reserved seats on an express train.

Since we reached Osaka before 9.00 am, many of the shops were not open yet. We took our time to enjoy breakfast in a cafe. After our visit to Namba Yasaka Jinja, we spent the entire day looking at trinkets and shopping at Minami, which included Shinsaibari-Suji shopping street, Daimaru Shinsaibashi, and Dotonbori.

Osaka is definitely a more laidback city than Tokyo and Kyoto. People are less uptight and dressed more casually here. However, I personally found the Minami area incredibly overwhelming, especially with all the large and eye-catching signboards. Granted, Minami is renowned being a shopping and entertainment district. Therefore, if anyone goes there with the intention of finding serenity, they are in the wrong place. If I have the chance to visit Osaka again, I will definitely check out the Kita area and the Osaka Castle.


20-Sep (Friday):
We spent our morning relaxing and packing in our hotel room. At 11.00 am, we checked out and went for brunch. Then, we went to Shin-Osaka station, where we would board the Hello Kitty express train to Kansai airport. The station was extremely busy. To our frustration, we had to go back and forth among a few offices before we finally managed to get our tickets. Then, we bid goodbye to Arsyad and Janet.

To savor the very last bit of Japan, Noel and I bought some unagi and maguro tuna sushi to be eaten on flight. The return flight was comfortable because the airline staff kindly gave us front row seats with extra legroom. Thank you, sir!

Since we reached Changi airport at night, we opted for a very expensive but stress-free cab ride to Woodlands Checkpoint. From there, we made our way back home. At midnight, we reached home, and the magical holiday officially came to an end.

Friday, March 8, 2024

有始未终的三十感言

字面意思。我也写了点三十感言,可是最后没写完弃文了,真个贻笑大方。

从2023年头开始我就想以三十岁生日为契机,写一篇自我省思的文章。我考虑过很多切入点,也写了两篇共3000多字的草稿,可是一直都不满意,所以迟迟未上传文章。直到十二月初和妈妈通电话的时候,她讲的某件琐事(下面会提到)启发了我:啊!我可以以《论语》和于丹的《论语心得》为主轴,细谈我近一年的感想。

孔子的《论语》是我小学一年级至三年级的课前读物。多年过去,我对《论语》也只是一知半解,所以下面如果我有解读错误的地方,欢迎大家指正。于丹的《论语心得》于2006年11月出版,我初中时经爸爸介绍阅读此书,受益良多。虽然于丹本人最后因德不配位而淡出杏坛,《论语心得》也被评论员批评为“水分过多的心灵鸡汤”,但是她说的某些道理确实有助我走出迷茫,所以我觉得合适的部分还是可以引用一下。大家把这篇文章当成我抒发心情而写的散文看看就好,切莫把我对《论语》的解读当做真理。

说起《论语》,很多人都听过“三十而立”吧。我从不认为三十而立是指立(找)伴侣、立(买)房子车子或是立(生育)孩子。当然,以上任何一样都是美好、值得众人追求的。我也非常钦佩那些三十岁就拥有以上四样的人,因为我相信不论他们的原生家境如何,他们都付出了很多努力和牺牲才能获取如此成就。

于丹在其书中提及“三十而立”时引用了黑格尔提出的“正反和”三段论:
人最早接受的教育一般都是正的,比如在刚刚读小学的时候,他相信太阳是明亮的,花朵是鲜红的,人心是善意的,世界是充满温情的,王子和公主最终是可以在一起的,生活中是没有忧伤的。其实这就是正的结果。但是长到十几岁的时候,就会出现比较强烈的逆反心理,二十多岁刚刚步入社会时,就会觉得这个世界上一切都不尽人意,觉得成人世界欺骗了自己,觉得生活中满是丑陋、猥琐、卑鄙和欺诈。这就是我们经常说的“小愤青”。这个时候,青春的成长有它特有的苍凉,人必然表现出一种反弹。那么走到三十岁,应该是人生“和”的阶段,就是既不像十来岁时觉得眼前一片光明,也不像二十多岁时觉得一片惨淡。
我的童年相当愉快,求学和求职过程一帆风顺,所以我的反面时期来得可能比同龄人迟。工作大概三年之后我进入所谓的反面时期,恰逢长达两年断断续续的新冠管制期。居家办公让我有喘一口气的空间,可是因为我缺乏自律,所以这段时间变得非常慵懒。等我回过神时,身边的人已经善用这段空档进修了新学位、存了未来几年旅游的经费、瘦了十公斤等等。我的攀比心理加剧我内心的愤怒。我主要生气自己的无能:我常常觉得自己做得不够好,糟蹋了一手好牌。我的理智鼓励我,告诉我我已经很棒了。可是我的感性苛责我,质疑我做出的每个决定。

我的内心充满焦虑愤怒,又该如何进入人生“和”的阶段?正因如此,近几年来,我陷入一种思维盲区,认为三十而立的“立”是“不破不立”。我并非偏激到认为必须破除全部旧的东西才能建立新的东西;我只是觉得我需要放下某些往事或者宽恕某些人才能前进。我记得很多大事小事,经长时间沉淀和发酵后,这些回忆偶尔会变成阻止我享受当下快乐的束缚。我想善用经验少走弯路,却难免被经验主义局限,变得害怕尝试新事物和过分在意别人的眼光。久而久之,我变成一个别扭又矛盾、饱受内耗折磨的活死人。然后,未待我自我开导成功,三十岁悄然而至。我依旧沉迷于美好的往事;我依旧无法从容面对很多工作还有原生家庭的不美好。这都导致我的怒火经常一触即发。

这次重读《论语心得》,于丹对“三十而立”的见解让我感触最深。
三十岁这个年纪,是一个建立心灵自信的年纪。这种自信不是与很多外在的事物形成对立,而是形成一种融合与相互提升。这就像泰山上的一副对联,叫作“海到尽头天做岸,山登绝顶我为峰”。这是中国人对于山川的一种感受,它讲的不是征服,而是山川对自我的提升。就像大海到了尽头,以苍天为岸,对自己是一种拓展;人登上山峦的顶峰,并不是说我把高山踩在脚下,而是说我站在山顶,高山提升了我的高度。······所以“三十而立”,我的理解并不是通过一个外在的社会坐标来衡量你是否已经成功,而是由内在的心灵标准衡定你的生命是否开始有了一种清明的内省,并且从容不迫,开始对你做的事情有了一种自信和坚定。
85后、90后和00后常常说我们要认清童年创伤和情感包袱,才不致将原生家庭一些负面的元素带到新家庭去。这说法当然没错,但是过分执着梳理过往何尝不是一种焦虑?就我个人而言,那些回不去的美好时光、我无法解决的社会乱象、父母的缺点和遗憾,其实都不是我需要征服的东西。换个角度思考,这些经历甚至都算不上是创伤或包袱。它们的存在或许是为了提高我对完美的追求和渴望,同时宽阔我的视野,进而促使我不再受困于自身和身边人的不足之处。

既然前30年的经历算不上创伤,那就无需执着于宽恕某某。而那些暂时还没有被新的回忆覆盖掉的美好从前或是不愉快,也无需刻意去抹杀其存在。一旦我放弃纠结所谓的宽恕和放下,我几乎一瞬间进入人生“和”的阶段。

值得一提的是,于丹对“三十而立”的见解也成了最多专家诟病的部分。确实,于丹的见解过于乐观,特别是清明内省、从容不迫的部分似乎把“四十而不惑”的境界挪前来了。这边我附上一小部分从5000言网站抄来的解读,希望能帮助大家以更客观的角度理解“三十而立”。
子曰:“吾十有五而志于学,三十而立,四十而不惑,五十而知天命,六十而耳顺,七十而从心所欲,不逾矩。” 
“三十而立”,经过十五年学习和磨砺,到了三十岁才算有点儿成就。在孔子眼中,自己二十岁的时候还属于“不知礼,无以立也”的阶段。直至三十岁时,才学成知礼,得以立身。这也就是说,通过十五年的学习,他才算确定了自己的人生观点,明白了做人处世的道理,以及安身立命的行为准则。不过,这时虽然得以立身,但是还存有怀疑,思想上容易出现摇摆。
“四十而不惑”,这句话是紧承上句而言的,也就是说又过了十年,到了四十岁的时候,才确定了自己坚持的观点和准则,按照既定的人生理想努力前行。无论是做人还是做事,都有着明确的行为准则,以及判断是非的标准和处世原理,不会再出现犹疑不定的现象了。不过,做到这一步只是对人生的一般性理解,若想做到更好,还需要继续努力才行。
小时候,我曾幻想自己当战地记者或是项目策划人,满世界飞,用我的三寸不烂之舌去推进我所主张的正义。大学时期,我曾考虑当宣教士,既能留在美国过高汇率生活,又能享受弹性工作时间。可是到最后真正行动的时候,我只申请了一份工作,就是通过TFM回国当教师。当时很多人都觉得我浪费了一个留在国外发展的好机会。看到朋友周游列国去各种景点打卡时,听到信教徒大谈神如何启示他们投身教育界时,看到同僚带队赢奖项时,看到某某学生痛哭流涕感激某某老师时,我偶尔会质问自己:我选错职业了吗?如果我的学生遇到的不是我而是别个真正有教学热忱的老师,会不会他们能有更好的成就?会不会其实天主有更好的安排,可是我忽视了祂的旨意?我是不是应该更努力一点?

聊起理想,于丹主张“无论你的理想是大是小,实现所有理想的基础,在于找到内心的真正感受。一个人内心的感受永远比他外在的业绩更加重要。” 于丹引用《论语》里叫做《侍坐》的部分,又提及两则小故事来说明这一点。于丹的解说很励志,可是全文太长了,所以我不方便抄过来,有兴趣的朋友请看原文。抚心自问,我内心真正想要的是什么?是又稳定又自由。原生家庭和成长经历让我对稳定收入的渴望远超一切工作价值。说白了,我没有任何事业理想也不想当老板,打工只是为了有钱去做其他事。我觉得这没啥可耻的。小时候认为自由就是满世界飞;大了才知道:行动自由的代价往往是高压力和超时的工作,还有背井离乡的孤独。相比起来,我更喜欢有自由时间:工作日晚上还有闲情烹饪看动漫、周末可以摊猫饼享受爱好、假日可以尽情回家探亲。

孔子说“君子不器”,指人不像器具一样只限于某种用途。根据网络评析,孔子认为一个好的领导者应当具备多方面的才干,善于发现他人之善而加以吸取借鉴,也不能心胸褊狭拘泥于人和事。让我斗胆把“不器”的概念套用在自己身上。2021年我写工作五年的心得时就有提及,我觉得我这辈子大概当不了知识最渊博或是才华最出众的老师,甚至我班上有些学生的英文都比我好。但是如果我不拘泥于师者传道授业解惑这个传统角色,我可以当一个善于发现他人之善的协调员。国中教师虽然受限于政府推行的教育政策和大纲,可是在课室里我们依然享有一定的教学自由。在班里搞互动游戏、帮助学生归纳总结整理构思和知识点,那是我能做也喜欢做的事。

想通了以上几点,我能更正面地对待工作。我不求丰功伟绩,不求改变谁影响谁,但求做一个对社会有用的人,尽本分引导孩子们用好奇的眼光和求证的态度去感受身边的人事物。下班后,我尽兴做自己爱做的事,储备一点心灵快乐的资源。毕竟,一个平和快乐的成年人才有余力去应对一群大脑前额叶皮层不成熟的青少年。

聊了工作,让我也谈谈家庭。让我们先看看于丹怎么说。
孔子的学生子游说:“事君数,斯辱矣;朋友数,斯疏矣。”(《论语·里仁》) “数”(shuH)是“屡次”的意思。如果你有事没事总是跟在国君(领导)旁边,虽然表示亲近,但离自己招致羞辱就不远了;你有事没事总是跟在朋友旁边,虽然看起来亲密,但离你们俩疏远也就不远了。······距离过近,必然要伤及他人。······ 距离和独立是一种对人格的尊重,这种尊重即使在最亲近的人中间,也应该保有。无论父子母女之间,还是多年夫妻之间,一旦没有了这种距离、这种尊重,越过了这个尺度,到了《论语》中说的“数”这个阶段,彼此已经不独立了,就产生了隐患,离疏远甚至崩溃就不远了。
很多人都因父母不懂得放手而感到苦恼,我恰恰相反。近几年我经常把父母当孩子或是同龄人,不懂得怎么放开父母的手去过自己的日子。尤其是和父母意见分歧的时候,我一方面哀其不幸,大概知道他们的哪段人生经历导致他们有现在的想法,一方面又怒其不争,愤恨他们墨守成规自缚手脚。我越过了对父母人格的尊重,导致我这几年有一段时间常常心焦。

孔子重孝,常被现代人嫌弃为愚孝的代表。孔子告诫孩子对父母要生养死葬、劳而不怨、唯其疾之忧(特别为他们的疾病担忧)。这乍听之下很唬人,可是绝大部分我认识的亲朋戚友都能做到以上几点。其实这次翻阅《论语》,我发现一件有趣的事情:孔子基本上都只提倡众人“无违”(按礼事奉父母)。前面所说的三样也趋于照顾父母的衣食住行、和他们和平相处,而不触及插手父母的心理状况。由此可见,尽孝和修身养性都是人生大事,但却有根本上的不同。尽孝的核心是关照父母却不冒犯他们的隐痛。而修身养性却讲究“三省吾身”。为了更好地约制和改正自己,我们必须冒犯自己的隐痛。简单来说我的结论就是有空多提升自己,少每天盯着别人。父母再亲也是别人,我又不住他们心里,我没义务为他们的快乐与不快乐愁秃头。

子夏问孝,子曰:“色难。有事,弟子服其劳;有酒食,先生馔,曾是以为孝乎?” 子夏问什么是孝道,孔子说:“侍奉父母经常保持和颜悦色最难。遇到事情,由年轻人去做;有好吃好喝的,让老年人享受,难道这样就是孝吗?” 

我觉得要对父母或是任何一个认识的人和颜悦色,最重要的是懂得欣赏对方的优点。每天多想想对方的优点,多赞美对方,相比之下对方的缺点就变得不那么显眼了。实话实说,撇去这几年我对父母的一些陈旧观念有所不满,我从小到大都觉得爸爸妈妈很厉害。我以当他们的孩子为荣。

爸爸热爱知识和探索,经他的引导我爱阅读,也养成了探求和尝试新事物的好奇心。爸爸很看重情义,我从小耳濡目染,明白做人应真诚待人,勇敢肩负时代与家庭赋予我们的重任。若要从《论语》里挑几个字来形容爸爸,我首选“见义勇为”。爸爸除了年轻时很大胆很爱冒险之外,他的“勇”体现在当仁不让地做对的事。很多年前邻居家晚上进贼,爸爸二话不说拿起木棍去追贼。亲人病重、垂死、升学,爸爸都会出钱出力尽其所能帮助对方。可能一些人觉得爸爸不过是做了本分;可是我知道爸爸在缺资源、缺男性长辈指引、又充满戾气的环境下长大,所以他还能保持如此赤子之心是一件非常难得的事。

当然,爸爸能成大义,少不了妈妈的无私奉献。爸爸能放心在外工作,全靠妈妈在家照顾老人小孩。经济大萧条的时候,妈妈持家精打细算,也做过各种工作来帮补家用。妈妈虽然不像爸爸一样爱阅读,可是她很细心地感悟生活冷暖,所以她能通过人生经验累积很多大智慧。举个例子:小时候我觉得妈妈在家说话很冲,在外却很木讷,因为她鲜少在朋友或是妯娌聚会时主动发言。后来才惊觉,其实妈妈在家真性情,在外却懂得保持“多闻阙听,慎言其余”的美德。妈妈从事销售之后更加磨练出说话的艺术,大大减少“言未及之而言谓之躁,言及之而不言谓之隐,未见颜色而言谓之瞽”(说话毛毛躁躁、吞吞吐吐、或是没眼色,睁眼瞎)这三项过失。

第一段说了,其实是妈妈无心的一番话让我想起于丹的《论语心得》,进而促成了这篇文章。让我具体说说咋回事:妈妈从去年三月开始生病,现在通过定期治疗控制病情。十二月初和妈妈通电时,她提及和爸爸去探访一个同是生病的老朋友。对方鼓励妈妈细说发病的前因后果,藉此吐掉抑郁心中的浊气。妈妈婉拒了对方的建议,因为她发现复述旧事非但不会让她痛快,反而是在体内凝聚负能量。我听了妈妈的的话,马上想起我曾在于丹《论语心得》读过类似的道理。

翻了翻书,原来我想起的是于丹在讲解“勇者不惧”时提及的一则小故事:
所谓“卒然临之而不惊,无故加之而不怒”(苏轼《留侯论》),是很难做到的。我们可以要求自己做一个有修养的道德君子,不去冒犯别人,但当别人没有任何缘由地时常冒犯你,你能做到不怒吗?
我们经常看到的是这种情况:
比如一个人在星期一莫名其妙地遭了一顿暴打,他星期二就开始向各个朋友复述这件事,到星期三的时候,他已经郁闷得不想出去见人了,到星期四的时候就开始找碴儿跟家人吵架了……
其实这意味着什么呢?意味着你每复述一遍就像又被打了一顿,意味着事情过去之后,你每天还在继续挨打。
当一个不幸降临了,最好的办法就是让它尽快过去,这样你才会腾出更多的时间去做更有价值的事情,你才会活得更有效率,更有好心情。
这个小故事告诉我们,生活中会有许多不如意甚至不合理,也许凭我们个人的力量无法改变,但我们却可以改变自己的心情和态度。从某种意义上说,一个人心中有什么,他看到的就是什么。
妈妈生病后虽有害怕难过,但是她更专注于感应身体现在需要什么、可以接受什么,每天都很积极地完成自己能做的事。其实我和姐姐更希望爸爸妈妈能够多依赖科技和外烩,但是既然劝说无用,我便学着以他们的角度来欣赏他们的努力。相比起爷爷奶奶公公婆婆,现在爸爸妈妈更坦然更有底气地面对晚年生活和与病共存。爸爸妈妈对生活的勇气和信心让我更珍惜和家人相处的时间,也鼓舞我以后要比他们更加优雅地老去,好不辜负上一代盼下一代更好的期许。

当然,这说得豪情壮志,实情还有待验证。我现在都不敢畅想自己以后的退休生活,先全须全尾地度过这十年才是正事。不说大病,就说我这满嘴蛀牙加磨牙的坏习惯,到四十岁如果还能保留全部牙齿我都要乐得从梦里笑醒了。

我能够安然度过三十岁,蜈蚣先生功不可没。接下来的部分不触及《论语》和《论语心得》,要说一些新婚夫妻你侬我侬的生活琐事,所以不好这一口的朋友可以就此别过。

婚后一年我生活得十分自在,主要因为蜈蚣先生是一个内心很平和的人,情绪来得快去得也快,所以和他同住一屋有助于缓解我的焦虑。其次是因为我和蜈蚣先生独居,少了很多人际方面的烦恼。我和前室友们相处愉快;可是因为我对生活有些穷讲究,而且需要很多时间和空间独处静待,所以我一直很渴望拥有自己的租房。蜈蚣先生的学习能力很快,网称求生欲很强,所以他能迅速适应同居生活所带来的改变。其实我俩结婚前夕发生了一件让我耿耿于怀的事。不是什么违背原则和道德的大事,也说不上谁对谁错,就是我俩价值观不同和沟通不足引发的财务危机。当时适逢我情绪很低迷,所以我还没结婚就对婚后生活感到十分灰心。蜈蚣先生婚后非常积极地完成分内的家务,也应我的要求稍稍调整他的生活和消费习惯。他热忱的态度正好用来克制我记性太好(记仇)。如今回想起这一年的婚后生活,我已经记不起事件之后的失望和懊恼,反而更清晰记得我俩努力攒钱过日子的点滴。

(以上几千字都是一月初写的。此处应该还有千字:一段表达我对姐姐的仰慕之情,讲述她如何启发我追求更好的三十岁。另外四五段感慨自律的重要性,以及近年来我为了自身健康和快乐所作出的一些改变,包括调整饮食和培养新的生活习惯。最后一段展望迈入三十后的生活,给自己打打气。可是现在都三月初了,我已经没兴趣继续熬制这篇文章了,所以就这样虎头蛇尾地结束吧。那些没说完的,等以后有机会我再写新文聊吧。)

(接下来还有一段和《论语》有关的题外话,也是之前就写好的。)

题外话:很多人认为孔子的教诲和宗教,尤其是基督教和天主教,是相悖的。我并不同意。反而这次重读《论语心得》,让我联想到一些圣经经文。可能孔子在世时确实不认识天主是谁,可是圣贤的生活方式和态度确实有很多值得信教徒效仿的部分。
“子不语怪、力、乱、神”(《论语·述而》)。孔子之所以不愿意提及神、鬼这些东西,其实也是他着眼于现实的表现。
比如子路问鬼神之事,孔子淡淡地对他说:“未能事人,焉能事鬼?”活人的事你还没弄明白,怎么先想着去侍奉死人?就是说,学习还是要先朴素一点,从眼前开始,别去考虑虚无玄远的东西。
子路不甘心,说:“敢问死。”死亡是怎么回事?
老师又淡淡地告诉他:“未知生,焉知死。”连生的道理还不明白,怎么能够懂得死?
孔子鼓励我们专注于眼前能做到的事,宗教何尝不也如此教导我们?作为信教徒,我们已知生(主说:“我还没有在母腹内形成你以前,我已认识了你;”——耶肋米亚1:5),也知死(“在亚当内,众人都死了,照样,在基督内,众人都要复活;”——格林多前书15:22)。何来何去这么重要的人生问题都解决了,我们就更应专注于当下。

至于孔子说“不逾矩”,那也很好联想到斐理伯书4:6-7:“你们什么也不要挂虑,只在一切事上,以恳求和祈祷,怀着感谢之心,向天主呈上你们的请求;这样,天主那超乎各种意想的平安,必要在基督耶稣内固守你们的心思念虑。”天主需要烦恼的事,我们人类就不要逾矩去操心了。我们该做我们能力所能及之事。当然,说比做要容易得多。如果我真能做到如《论语》或《圣经》所言,我又何须编写如此冗长的文章来反思自省?我直接准备渡劫飞升得了。