A lot had happened recently and I guess it's time for me to pen down some of my thoughts. Please note that this is one of those posts where I think out loud so bear with me here. If not, feel free to leave this post. For all the grammar nazis out there, yeah, this post is going to irritate you. Don't say I didn't warn ya.
In terms of recent events, Sports Day was finally over. I have finished my teaching practicum. I went back to Ipoh to vote in the history-making General Election. I attended a 5 days 4 nights character building camp and Teacher's Day was celebrated on the last Wednesday.
I was also going through a wee bit of emotional roller-coaster-ride due to some other more private incidents. Those incidents made me reflect on my own values, attitude, outlook of life and all that jazz. Subconsciously, I was also re-evaluating the events that shaped the present me and pondering on what I want for my future.
Of course, being the typical Tina, instead of telling you what happened, I am going to go off in a totally unrelated tangent and tell you about another incident.
The other day during lunch, I blurted out a rather blunt statement regarding the topic of marriage. I said, "In a marriage, I would rather cry in a Mercedes than to laugh in a trishaw."
Hmm...
After I said this, my friend stared at me with his eyes wide open. I was taken aback by my own words too. I didn't know and I didn't bother finding out what he perceived of me, but I found my statement something that only an unbeliever in Christ would say.
What caused me to say that? Do I really believe in what I said?
To be real frank and open here, financial security continues to be my top worry. What is your source of insecurities when you are with your friends? For some people, they might feel left out in a group because they are the only person with a different skin tone or of a different gender. For me, I feel extremely self-conscious about my family background. As compared to my friends who are from rather well-off families (well-off in my opinion, save your argument), I often feel I am not as sophisticated as them.
One might say, "Hey, you grew up with roof over your head, food on the table, and shoes on your feet. You are much more fortunate than a lot of poor children. So why are you being ungrateful and still complaining?" Oh dear, of course I have learned to count my blessing. However, let me assure you, the sense of insecurities that arises from difference in family status will always be there, lingering, hovering, waiting to plunge on you whenever you feel weak in the spirit.
I thought I was at a better place now, since I have submitted my life to Jesus and have learned to focus more on accumulating my wealth in heaven than on earth. But as I blurted out that statement, I realized actually I was still living in fear.
It turned out that the image of a childhood friend of mine selling coconut by the roadside under the hot sun when she was seven/eight months pregnant at the age of sixteen/seventeen continued to haunt me till this day.
It turned out that when the topic of family and marriage arose, instead of recalling all the fancy dates that I had had where my date and I shared about our dream house or dream family, the most vivid memory remained to be about my mum. It was a normal day; my mum came home from waitressing and sat by the table, peeling an orange. Casually she told me and my sister, "Today I saw a mother with three kids came in to the restaurant. The mother ordered the cheapest fried rice on the menu and the three kids shared the food. The mother just sat there and looked at the kids while they devoured it. It kinda reminded me of us from a few years ago."
But I know, no amount of scrumptious food, pretty clothes, sparkling jewelry, or even the love from a man can satisfy the void in my heart. Only Jesus can. I know. I learned it the hard way. So why did I still say statement like that? Have I not learned my mistake? The truth is, I was deeply embarrassed by myself for saying such thing.
Thankfully, God's mercy renews daily and He loves us eternally. Instead of reprimanding me for my little faith, God actually comforted me. The same afternoon after the lunch incident, when I was just quietly doing my part-time translating job, suddenly I was overwhelmed by joy and peace from within. I know it was from the Lord because it wasn't induced by any circumstances or rational reasoning with myself. It was like my mind was still dwelling in embarrassment, anger, and frustration, but a joyous uproar just burst out from within my soul. I went to church and God affirmed His love for me through the sermon once more.
It was quite an extraordinary experience for me, since before this I seldom felt God like this. So ya, I am still learning. I am still learning to transform all my worldly-impaired mindset to Christ-centered growth mindset.
The truth is, of course I don't believe in the whole "crying in Mercedes" marriage. (I prefer other car brands anyway :p)
I believe in being a woman who fears the Lord and laughs without the fear of the future. If God's calling is for me to be single, I pray that Lord will make the journey easy for me and deliver me from sexual temptation. If God's calling is for me to be a wife and a mother, I pray that Lord will show my heart the way and mold me to acquire skills necessary to become a decent helper to my future partner that I have yet to meet.
Till then, Lord, please help me to be productive in my work so that I suffer nothing from laziness. Okay, off to bed now. Tomorrow will be a new day for work.
"People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy." - Proverbs 28:13 (NLT)
Tonight, I confessed my sin of having little faith in God. I didn't trust that God will provide my daily needs, instead I turned to seek comfort in imagining about my future partner's wealth status. Lord, I pray that you pardon my sin and let me learn godly financial planning so that this aspect of my life can be turned into a testimony to glorify you.
