I have no suitable descriptions to tell you what I am going through right now, but I am desperately in need for a place to reflect and to comb through the messy thoughts in my head. I believe that God has put the solution in there somewhere in my mind, but till I actively search for and pray about it, I have no peace in my heart now.
I taught 12 classes of Arts and 4 classes of Civic Studies, which made up to a total of 32 periods per week. It sounds crazy, but it was in reality a rather easy breezy schedule. I could reuse the same lesson plan over and over again for all 12 art classes, and since both subjects that I was teaching are not exam focused subjects, I could be more laid back with the kids.
The only complain I had was I only meet the kids once a week, so it was harder for me to build an impactful relationship with them. But then again, how can I define what's considered impactful and what's not? What's the benchmark? Will we ever be able to grade "impact"?
I thought since I don't meet the kids often, they will not remember my classroom rules, but they proved me wrong. The students, especially the Form 1 kids, remember my rules well. They are quick in adopting and practicing the rules too.
Five weeks into teaching Arts, I found out that I was supposed to do a certain xyz with all my students, which I never did, so I panicked a little, but I told myself it's going to be fine. I shall start doing it next week.
Next week, which was last week, I was put on a relief schedule because an experienced English teacher was transferred to another school, so I have to take over all his English classes, while waiting for new arrangement and instructions to arrive from the top. I love the older kids, they are less playful, eager and ready to learn, but I didn't get to do much with them. I got to know them a little better on the first lesson. But for two classes, I never get to meet them again after that first lesson.
That week we had mock speaking test with the Form 3 students, so I spent 4 out of 5 evenings listening to my students. I was impressed by some of them, and I am worry for a lot of them. They understand my questions, but they couldn't reply me. I wondered why. Was it because they were nervous? Was it because they don't have the vocabulary to express their thoughts?
Back in the classroom, I was getting impatient with those older kids. I used video, power point, music to run my comprehension lessons, I gave them a lot of talk time to discuss with their friends. These are all the things they asked for, as they indicated in their study preference survey. Yet they did not performed.
Most of my Form 2 students did not write a single word in their information transfer worksheet; the minority who did wrote in pencil, in tiny fonts, and they quickly covered or rubbed off their answers every time I tried to read their work. I gave my Form 3 class four multiple-choice comprehension questions to complete, just four questions, just answer A or B, but only around 8 out of 30 of them got all the questions right.
Their failure demonstrated my fault. I did not scaffold my lesson well. I did not provide enough context for them to understand the text. I did not give clear instructions to them on what to do step-by-step. I did not give them prompts or key points to facilitate their discussion. The analogy to explain the situation would be: my students are toddlers who are doing fine on learning how to walk, then I came in and pushed them to skip. Undoubtedly, they fell. I was frustrated, they were hurt.
The smart kids would know that I was demanding stars and moon from them, they would complain and that's totally reasonable. I am more concerned about the so-called-not-so-smart kids. They might think they are dumb, which they are not. I might have scraped away that final little bit of confidence in them to learn English.
From the speaking and reading activities, I have been reminded how important it is to create a safe environment for my kids. An environment where my kids feel safe to speak English with any accent, to write out wrong answers, to exercise their small packages of courage.
I have also learnt that creating a safe environment is so much more than just telling the students "it's okay to make mistake" or "there is no right or wrong answers", it is about consistently enforcing structure as well. A predictable routine helps. It is also about acknowledging their mistakes. Language is a funny thing: there is no wrong ideas, but there is wrong grammar. Wrong is wrong, and there is nothing to be ashamed about it. Wrong is a progress to correct.
At the back of my head, I am still thinking about that thing that I was supposed to do, but didn't do with the students for art classes.
Last Thursday I got my new schedule. 5 English classes - two Form 1 classes, two Form 2 classes, and one Form 3 classes. 27 periods in total. I was happy because I got to keep the two classes I hurt, I want to make up to them.
I want all my students to know that, with proper guidance, they can pick up the skill required to complete the tasks given. Learning language is nothing magical, it's logical, it's doable.
Over the weekend I was preparing the exam questions for the upcoming March test, and I realized there are so much my kids haven't learn. I need to prepare them for the exam.
I don't know how long do I get to keep my current schedule and classes, which pushes me to carefully think about what do I have to cover during each lesson with them. Every lesson might be my last time meeting them. My lesson needs to consolidate their learning. Both my students and I should attain a sense of completion after each lesson. All of us should get the required bits done before we walk out of the classroom every day. I don't want to let go of my students without showing them the rope.
Dear children, don't hang on to the teachers, because we will never know what happen to the schedule tomorrow; hang on to the knowledge and skills.
These seven weeks helped me learnt something new about myself: I knew I can still function with tight deadline approaching, but I didn't know that I will shut down completely when I am anticipating a large uncertainty. i.e.: I can/will only work hard when I know the exact timeline towards completion. I need to change my attitude and approach regarding this matter. Education is not an one man show. It's more like a factory, and we are just part of it.
For now, my goal is to leave a tidy work for the next person to pick up.
