(Please excuse me if the grammar is not perfect or if the message of the sentences does not convey sense as I am writing down my thought process.)
This is one of those days. This is one of those days where I doubt myself, where I feel extremely frustrated over not being able to get a homework answer right, where I let loose on my diet and eat plenty of junk food besides my normal meals, where I count the minor mistakes in my life.
My housemate has applied and received an internship opportunity for this coming summer. (Hooray! Praise the Lord for the speedy process!) I feel relieved for her because I know how important it is for her to have an internship before she can graduate. I feel happy too for a prayer answered.
Last spring when she told me over a phone call that she got a summer job , the first thought that popped up in my mind was, "Tina, you are such a loser. You should be ashamed of yourself because unlike your housemate, you have achieved nothing over a year in the States." I couldn't handle the self-humiliation and I slammed my phone to the floor at the end of the phone call. Ouch. How hurtful it was. Not me, not my phone, but how hurtful it was to my housemate to be congratulated in such a rude way.
This spring, I managed to keep it cool. I know for sure, it is not me but the holy spirit who is working in me is helping me to control my anger and disappointment. Yet the id inside of me keep on repeating, "Tina, in about a year you are going to graduate. You are going to graduate without internship, without any real life laboratory experiences, without job and without money."
I might have achieved nothing so far and maybe if it is God's will, my desire and my dream plan will not be executed even after I stay here for 3 years. But even so I still want my life story, this journey in the States to be a testimony that glorifies God!
Hey, you know what, I am not going to wait for these 3 years to pass by and give you a report at the end; my life is a testimony right here, right now! For the joy I have I give thanks and praise to the Lord; and for the disappointment I have to endure I ponder about God's love and remain hopeful.
Dear Lord, I pray that you will continue to go before me and keep me on the right path with the right attitude. Let me remain hopeful in your love and let Holy spirit mold me, so that I will do the right thing, even when my flesh doesn't feel like doing it, for I longed for a free mind inspired by Holy spirit.
Hey Tina, you might be coming back again to re-read this post and besides feeling "Aduiiiii! Why did I write such and such sentence?!" I want you to walk away with these encouraging bible verse:
"And let the peace that comes from the Christ rules in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful." - Colossians 3:15 (NLT)
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of POWER, LOVE and SELF-DISCIPLINE." - 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)
Finally,
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!! - Philippians 4:13
Now go out to the world again and fight that battle of work/ study/ job-applying/ whatever-you-are-facing!
